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Satirical News Sat Apr 01 2017 20:09:05 GMT+0000 (UTC)
WHERE THE PARTY'S AT -- As reported earlier today by Zero Hedge, in tribute to April 1 and the joke's on you, a new automatic answering service to Russian embassy services offers the following options: "You have reached the Russian embassy, your call is very important t...
After the Trump administration floundered in it's first hundred days, former President Obama decided to declare martial law in the US. In response, a livid President Trump tweeted with plans for an invasion of Obama's headquarters in Jamaica. "...
“Hey, why do you always freak out when someone brings a pet into Walmart?” – I don’t […] The post Sh*tty Morning appeared first on People Of Walmart. “Hey, why do you always freak out when s
The post Youre Not Going To Do Such Thing appeared first on Barnorama. The post Youre Not Going To Do Such Thing appeared first on Barnorama.
Mr. Arnold Walker Buggerovski has been appointed special prosecutor to investigate Mr. Trump's alleged ties to Russian influence in the recent election, plus other matters. Despite Russian ancestry, Mr. Buggerovski has had a nearly saintly career...
Ft. Leavenworth, KS -- As one of his last acts of office, President Baroque Insane Obummer commuted the sentence of Private First Class (PFC) Bradley "Chelsea" Manning, 29, who was serving a 35-year prison sentence for leaking 750,000 classified mili
Showing that he can give and take when dealing with other world leaders, President Trump revealed the nations nuclear launch codes to the Russian ambassador while bragging about the US's nuclear capability. A concerned person who was in the room w...
Andy Kolpakov, a member of the male feminist septic community is accused of being male and dangerous, for looking the wrong way. There were calls to the police of a peeping Tom on the same block Kolpakov lived on. As he made his way back from a f...
BILLINGSGATE POST: President Trump revealed today that he would build the wall by taxing the imputed income of mothers who stay at home to care for their children. Citing a study by Harvard economists who evaluated what a "full-time-stay-at-home" m..
WASHINGTON, D. C. West Wing staffers and official visitors to the White House are wearing gas masks and overshoes as they valiantly attempt to carry on the business of government despite a horrendous odor emanating from a clogged sewer line. A back..
Sparking yet another constitutional crisis, President Trump has fired the Supreme Court and assembled a panel of current and former American Idol judges to rubber stamp his Cinco de Mayo ban and other controversial policies. Simon Cowell, Paris Hi...
Neighbors said it was just a matter of time before Mabel became a victim of a violent attack. Raised in a rural town near Tonsillmania, locking the the doors and windows at night was not a priority. But perhaps it is now. Grandaughter Matt...
Forensic Scientist Discovers Acting US Attorney General's Recommendations for Comey's Firing Was Actually Written by Dr. Harold Bornstein Late Thursday evening, Sandia Lab scientist, Dr. Irwin Corey announced the results of his analysis of Acting...
Michael Langley, a math teacher at Harrisburg High School, was reportedly unaware that puns aren't cool anymore. Chris Jarvis, a 11th grade student who has been in Langley's class for three straight years, remarks: "Mr. Langley keeps repeating th...
For the first 100 days of his presidency, Donald Trump was undisputedly the leader of the free world. After passing Trumpcare, the new Republican health care bill that will reportedly cut several federal subsidies for healthcare, many Americans agree
Determined to explain why he showed up late to work again, Larry Michaels, a department manager at Sears, convinced himself last Tuesday that traffic lights are rigged against him. "I feel like the traffic lights are conspiring to slow me down. I...
A Mickey-D's customer was betrayed by employees who ID'd him and made him wait a little extra time for his order so the food patrol could come and deny him his last meal. He didn't have it his way at Mickey-D's. Jackson went through the so calle...
A Georgia state law enforcement officer was commended for following procedure during a routine traffic stop that nearly turned tragic earlier this week. Deputy Jason Hancock continued police department tradition of shooting unarmed black men, but...
Hollywood - Two years ago Maggie Gyllenhaal made headlines after being told that at 37 she was too old to play the love interest of a leading man in his fifties. Mature-aged actresses have long complained of ageism in an industry that consistently ov
Amid much controversy the Fetal Universal Gun and Ammo Rights bill (FUGAR) squeaked through the house and is now on it's way to the US Senate. Congressman Evan Jenkins of West Virginia (R-NRA-DNA) touted the bill as a win/win after the historic co...
Donald J. Trump, president of the U.S. of A cuts everything in the budget. This includes everything to PBS, the USDA, the FBI, the CIA, and other government organization. Trump is on a roll! He's cutting everything on the budget & giving...
After long consideration and acknowledgement that kids aint kids like they used to be, the US state of Ohio have decided to drop the age of driving to 8! The first boy to take advantage of the new law was an 8 year-old who after feeling pangs of h...
Earlier this week, president Donald Trump, in a press release, stated his full plans for North Korea: "mega bigly annihilation." The president at about 8:00 AM stated that the North Koreans "need to be stopped," and clearly stated his strong opini...
THUG CITY, IL ---- Following what he described as a "thorough review" of his flight crew's use of police to drag Kentucky medical doctor David Tao off an "overbooked" flight to prevent him from tending to his patients the next morning (and to replace
Washington, DC After Ivanka Trump's decision to bomb Syria following their poison gas attack, President Trump realized it was the first good press he had ever gotten. So he realized that Ivanka would do better. It was decided that since Ivanka wou...
Forget the power struggle between Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner. Even Ivanka Trump has little sway with her dad, the POTUS. Those in the know say eleven year old Barron Trump is the real juice behind the throne in the Trump White House. David Cor...
Little Rock, AR--Besides being known for its high incidence of early death, infant mortality, cardiovascular disease, and obesity, Arkansas may soon break a new record, and possibly get into the 2018 Guinness Book of World Records in the attempt.
President Trump's attempt to ban Cinco de Mayo backfired after three separate circuit courts blocked his executive order: Now this year's celebrations promise to be even bigger in defiance of President Trump. After being rebuked by the courts, Tru...
Mr. Spicer has today hastened to clarify that the Press Release yesterday did not come from Mr. Trump or his associates. This release went viral across social media, the world's press, mainstream print and television coverage, and even remote area...
In a made for the movies story, a little boy presumed lost at sea was rescued and deposited on a Monterey beach by a great white shark. Two year old Dahl Kirsch and twelve others were swept off the Presidio Ferry near Oakland, CA, when it was hit...
OSLO. In a surprise press conference in Oslo on April 7, the Nobel War Prize Committee unexpectedly announced that the award for 2017 would not be made in October, as it usually is. Instead, the Committee has unanimously decided that the award should
Minneapolis, MN: The Minnesota Department of Natural Resources' "DNR EagleCam Live Stream" was temporarily shut down last night after the video stream showed a male teenage Bald Eagle masturbating. The DNR has been inundated with telephone calls and.
Actually, Trump was begging. In a strange turn of events, as dramatic as the full 32 fouettes from Swan Lake, (the guy can be nimble) Donald Trump asked for a pardon from President Hillary Clinton. Investigators, using forensic software and wor...
Washington, D.C. - According to leaked information from an anonymous source inside the White House, President Donald Trump approved yesterday's Tomahawk cruise missile strike against a Syrian airfield because Trump thought the U.S. would be launching
After admiring the portrait of the 7th president, Andrew Jackson, that he recently installed in the oval office, Donald Trump proceeded to outline plans on getting rid of illegal aliens by a humiliating and heartbreaking redux of Jacksons "Trail of T
According to the latest AAA Auto Club statistics, there are over 35 million elderly, licensed drivers in the United States. With the onset of age, there is a demonstrative rise in the amount of accidents involving older people, especially those over.
Trump Tower, NY First Lady Melania Trump today announced, through her English translators, that she would personally take weekend trips to the White House and crate up furniture and antiques to sell on EBay and give to poor middle-class citizens.
BISMARCK, ND--The state legislature of North Dakota today signed into a law a Conceal Carry bill that would allow children to carry a firearm as long as they possessed a valid kindergarten ID card. Gov. Doug Bourbon, eating lunch at his favorite b...
LOS ANGELES, CA --- Harrison Ford, 74, isn't much better a pilot than he was an actor. He proved his lack of aviation skills when, in defiance of an air-traffic controller's order to land on John Wayne Airport's Runway "L," he brought his single-engi
Tampa, Fl - "Sudden Death Nursing Home" opened today and is admitting new residents. The owner is very excited to promote the first known sports-themed nursing home. Owner Mort Fast tweeted, "We love our new name, not Sunset or October. For...
West Cimmaron Bend, N.M. - A traffic court judge in the small remote town of West Cimmaron Bend, New Mexico has placed Donald Trump's Declaration that he is the Supreme Ruler of the United States in limbo, issuing a ruling that the Executive Order b.
Rock-and-Roll Center, The Big Apple, Baby ---- Due to a variety of factors, including the Internet and a lack of public trust in the media, television news ratings have plummeted in recent years. "I don't want non their fake news," couch potato Im...
RT-News, Moscow: White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized last night after an unfortunate mishap. It seems Spicer was so stressed over the media witch hunt against his boss that he ate a bunch of radioactive polonium-210 mixed with...
New York The Earth is running out of gravity, according to an ongoing study by the US Environmental Protection Agency. The researchers found that a lack of the attractive force was directly responsible for the over 60,000 disappearances last year,...
Highlighting the danger that fake news represents to a free society, vigilantes who are followers of the "Busgate" conspiracy stopped a bus full of Salvadoran tourists on an Indiana highway. Antonia "Tigre" Diaz was on the bus and later told repor...
Washington, DC President Trump today announced that the Freedom Caucus must be impeached, or arrested, for disloyalty. He has also threatened to call out the National Guard if the House of Representatives doesn't IMMEDIATELY start impeachment proceed
Making the point that the US has been weak on Russia, Former FBI agent Clinton Watts beat Chuck Norris in a street MMA match. After Watts testified in the Senate about the shocking extent of Russian interference in the US elections, he acknowledge...